Three Companions

Throughout my childhood and most of my adult years, I have had three constant companions: fear, shame and guilt.

I described in an earlier post in more detail how fear tiptoed into my life at a very early age. It was well in place and an active presence in my earliest memories. I now realize it was a fiery dart of the enemy of my soul most often shot from the bow of my own mother. Instead of nurturing and comforting, she condemned and abused. Instead of clear boundaries and expectations with consistency, there were ever changing expectations I could never meet; ones that would cause rages, expletives and abuse, verbal and emotional, as well as physical. My life became a constant state of fear, of always walking on eggshells, of never knowing when I would disturb the “beast”. Fear that I would once again cause the one who was supposed to love and care for me, to rage and inflict pain.

Shame and guilt were Siamese twins that entered my life shortly after fear. I truly believed that if I wasn't such a naughty child, my mother wouldn't react like she did. I was frequently reminded by her of what an awful a child I was and of how much she had to endure because of me. If I had a dollar for every time I was called “selfish” or “independent brat,” I would be quite wealthy! Every “sin” I committed was told in exaggerated details to Dad and others. As the years went by, the offenses grew with the passage of time or morphed into something very different from reality.

Success in any arena was unnoticed but anything she thought would reflect badly on her was cause for a “shame-fest”. Criticism on how I acted, what I said, my physical appearance, or my clumsiness only served to magnify my shame and feelings of unworthiness. When a volcanic explosion of rage occurred (and occur they did!!), I was told in words that would make a sailor blush how it was all my fault.  These rages were often accompanied by slaps, shakings, clawing of my arms with her fingernails and using whatever was nearby as a destructive weapon of her angry “discipline.” I was the problem… and shame and guilt were the only companions that I deserved.

But God…

God and His everlasting, enduring love and grace entered my life and I became His daughter, when I found His saving grace at the age of nine. Home was still hell and I still had my three companions, but I had a refuge. One who would love me in spite of anything I did. I still struggle with my three companions: fear, shame and guilt. But now, I am quicker to run to the sheltering arms of refuge of my Abba Father.

Psalm 27:10

“For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me in.”

This verse has been a lifeline I have clung to the last year and a half, since my returned memories of past abuse and realization that my narcissist mom has never loved me and is incapable of loving me. It reminds me of the One who will never reject me, who will always take me in, who will always love me.

Isaiah 49:15-16a 

"Can a woman forget her nursing child,

 And have no compassion on the son of her womb? 

Even these may forget, but I will not forget you.

Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;”

My God will never do the unthinkable and abandon His daughter. He has my name engraved, tattooed on His nail scarred hand!!

While looking on Pinterest this week, I came across a quote on shame. While researching its source, I came across more of it. It is quoted from “Wanting To Be Her” by Michelle Graham.

"If shame tells me that I'm defective, grace tells me that I'm valuable.  Shame's greatest weapon is the fear of judgment; grace's even greater weapon is the relief of unconditional love.  Shame says that because I am flawed I am unacceptable; grace says that though I am flawed I am cherished.  Shame believes that the opinion of others is what matters; grace believes that the opinion of God is what matters.  Shame claims I must be perfect to earn the approval of others, grace claims that I am accepted regardless of seeing imperfections.  Shame makes me hide, grace makes us frolic.  Shame is the language of the serpent; grace is the language of Jesus."  

Reading this shows me how much I really need to stop listening to the voice of shame and rather hear the freeing truths of grace. I need to not hang onto guilt that isn’t mine or true guilt that I have repented of and not listen to those lies. Instead I need to accept all of the grace that God has extended to me and will continue to extend to me. I want to be His cherished one who frolics through life rather than hiding in the shadows of fear and shame!

O Lord God, please help me to turn my back on these three dreary companions of fear, shame and guilt, and instead remember your loving acceptance. Enable me to embrace Your grace and ignore the lies… I can’t do this on my own, Lord. Give me grace; Your Amazing Grace. Amen.

May you all find grace in place of fear, shame and guilt.

Grace to you,

Melissa

I Have A Shelter, by Sovereign Grace Music

My Name is Melissa and I am a Scapegoat

My name is Melissa and I am a scapegoat!

As my sister Aydan shared yesterday, we were raised by a malignant narcissistic mother.  Our family was so dysfunctional and so off kilter from what God intended families to be. We existed in a prison where one walked on eggshells for fear of incurring the rage and wrath of Mom. We learned very young that our home revolved around Mom and it was wise to do whatever to avoid the verbal, emotional or physical abuse that just about anything would trigger. The four of us siblings all had well developed self-preservation instincts and would quickly throw the other under the bus to protect ourselves. 

Between the throwing under the bus and other self-preservation tactics and Mom’s constantly pitting us against each other Aydan and I were relatives that tried to be civil to each other at holiday or other family gatherings. As married adults we lived on the same street for over ten years and were not close other than proximity. Sadly until just the last year or so we both longed for close sisters yet were still falling prey to the pitting and manipulations of our Mom.  Mom does not like our reconciliation and has tried to tell us lies about each other, but with us communicating and having made a pact to not throw each other under the bus anymore she has been rendered ineffective in that area.

As the eldest child I always felt I was the one that was blamed for much of life’s problems and also felt my brother and sister who were 3 and 4 ½ years younger than me paired up to gang up on me. I felt like the third wheel.  Mom daily reminded me what a bad child I was, an independent brat, self-centered and a compulsive liar. She also consistently let me know how ugly and socially inept I was compared to her as a child and teen. I grew up feeling not included, bad, ugly, shameful and unacceptable.

The emotional and verbal abuses I have always been fairly aware of but fell into a trap in my thirties and forties of trying to be loved and approved by my mom. There were times if our family had plans to go do something and she wanted us to come over then we did. Shudder …I hate the times I let my kids down to appease her!  God intervened by moving me across country from my family in 2008. I was surprised by the bird out of the cage feeling that came. In many ways I was free in ways I had never been before. My memories of the physical abuse returned in June 2012 and began reading and realized Mom had NPD – I mean every symptom on the checklist! The realization of how dysfunctional my family was/is and how many lies I had been told really made me doubt many perceptions of life. I had beaten into me (literally) who I was by Mom so much I believed it. Thankfully with wise advice from my pastor I began studying out who I am in Christ…what the Bible says about me as His daughter! Realizing that I am chosen, holy and beloved –Colossians 3:12, blessed, chosen, adopted, redeemed, forgiven - Ephesians chapter 1.

Aydan and I have been reconciled for just over a year and how that happened is a story for another blog post. Since we have chosen to keep in contact with our Mom with some boundaries we keep in place, the verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation continues. It is such a blessing for us as sisters, to be there for each other to lovingly support, encourage and vent as needed.

May others who read this see hope…beauty for ashes that God can in the midst of the ugliness of life create beautiful things.

Blessings,

Melissa