Miscarried Memories

The hours since the phone call last night from my daughter have had me constantly praying and thinking and remembering. My daughter, who lives 1500 miles away, is 11 weeks pregnant with her third child. She called to let me know she is having cramping and spotting. Thankfully the ultrasound yesterday showed all is still fine with the precious new life and was sent home with instructions to take it easy the next few days. Like that will happen with a three year old and a nineteen month old!! So I am praying she doesn’t experience the pain of miscarriage and the grief that loss brings.

My daughter’s phone call quickly brought back into my memory my own three miscarriages with their pain and grief and along with memories of my mother who didn’t choose to believe any of them occurred. Rather than her prayers, loving support and empathy she poo-pooed them at the time and since has told others how they never happened and are more of my lies for attention. Even two summers ago she informed me she had never heard of any of my miscarriages so this must be another case of “my vivid imagination.” My hubby overheard this interaction from the next room and came to verbally support and back up my words of truth. In true narcissist fashion, when confronted with the truth she raged and started accusing us of being overly defensive, ganging up on her and teaming up in our lies. There was much yelling and expletives on her part. I reacted as I normally do and was in tears. My normally calm, easy-going and cheerful husband becomes firm and unrelenting with the truth when Mom gets like this. Since he doesn’t cower or back down, that resulted in his being accused of having a “big anger issue” and “how scary his anger is!” Funny thing is that Aydan’s husband also has this “issue” according to our Mom.

As I ponder on the potential hurts for my daughter and son-in-love from losing this precious little one, I am once again appalled at how a mother can belittle, forget or accuse her daughter of a vivid imagination rather than empathizing with her hurt and loss. I am saddened at the thought of any of my kids having to walk through something like this. If there is a miscarriage I will grieve the grandchild I’ll never meet or hold this side of heaven. Last night I was asking how our daughter was doing emotionally and spiritually with this and prayed with her on the phone. I have continually breathed prayers for her and the baby since her call and even woke several times during the night and prayed.

What I have discovered in recent years is that anything that possibly hinted of taking attention away from Mom never really happened. I never had three miscarriages; I never had babies on apnea monitors because they slept so soundly they would “forget” to breathe. My chronic illness and the physical effects of it are my “supposed symptoms”, my “supposed allergies”. She has bad-mouthed me to relatives and friends about how I make up lies for attention. Aydan has confirmed hearing this from her also.

So, what does one do when you have a narcissist mother who “miscarries” the memories of all your painful and successful events in your life? All the things that God has allowed into my life that have shaped me into the woman I am today?

I have a choice.

I can wallow in self-pity and become embittered or I can choose to realize my mother is mentally and spiritually sick and a miserable person who should be pitied. I need to remember she is spiritually lost and without any true hope and that short of a HUGE divine intervention – talking major miracle – she will NEVER change!

I can choose to be bitter or better. Bitter or better – what a difference one letter makes!!

I can choose to let my trials build my character and increase my love, compassion and empathy for others who are going through struggles, offering support, prayers and comfort. I can love by just listening and being a shoulder to cry on or arms to hold a hurting soul. I can recall the many times God has used various friends over the years to minister to me in my dark hours.

I also need to remember how God Himself has cared for me and, as I recount them, can build my faith to have confidence that He will care for me in the future.

 “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted,

and saves the crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 34:18

“You have kept count of my tossings,

Put my tears in Your bottle.

Are they not in Your book?”

Psalm 56:8

What a contrast to my narcissist mom, a loving and caring Heavenly Father who is near to the brokenhearted, aware of our tossing through sleepless nights and is bottling and recording each tear we shed. This is the same God who, in 2 Corinthians 1:4, “comforts us in all our afflictions that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”

So now I wait…and pray…and offer support to my daughter in this challenge. And I choose to remember a God who is always there to love, care, sustain and comfort me in all circumstances.

May you each find that grace and comfort in the challenges your life brings you!

Love and blessings,

Melissa

This song has ministered to me in so many ways and hope it encourages some of you also.

In the Valley - Sovereign Grace Music