The Happy Narcissist . . . Or The Great Dillusion

I was talking to my Mom this morning on the phone.  My Mom is not a happy woman.  She is filled with bitterness and anger.  She is nice if it is to her benefit . . . knowing how to manipulate things to work for her good, but she is NOT happy.  So today, she was laughing at and making fun of a blog post I did on a separate blog I do, about happiness.  In my blog, I mentioned that I have only ever known three people that I would call "truly happy" . . . I was not talking about a shallow, temporary happiness, but more of a deep-seeded joy.   I believe this happiness only comes from living a life that is focused on the Lord and not ourselves.

She kept giving me examples of why she is such a happy person . . . examples of teasing my Dad or playing a joke on someone.   No examples of a joy that perseveres through any and all circumstances . . . not because of where we are in life, but because of WHOSE we are in life.  I certainly did not want to get in a fight about whether or not she is happy, for crying out loud!  But she is only happy when she is the center of attention.  When things are going her way.  And, since her expectations are greater than any of us can ever meet, she is rarely "happy".  Most of our lives growing up were about trying to please and appease Mom.  Trying to keep her from exploding and going on a tirade about something.  She was very explosive and we grew up with threats such as "I should just kill myself" on a regular basis.

My Mom wants to be seen in a certain light . . . she wants people to see her as some kind of amazing saint . . . someone who always puts others before herself, someone full of love and compassion.  She wants to be seen as beautiful, fun and exciting.  And, she truly acts like that is how she sees herself.

At 73, she still flirts with waiters and even men in our church, that don't remember her on the rare occasion she attends with me.  She tells us about neighbors and various other people that "made moves" on her.  She is aged and a bit overweight.  Not necessarily ugly for a woman of her age, but certainly no one who will still turn heads.  But in her mind she still is.

She tells me on a regular basis how "kind and loving" she is.  The people that I have known in my life that are truly kind and loving, do not have to brag about it.  In fact they never do.  Because their motives are pure and they are not seeking anything in return.  My Mom still uses an example of helping her neighbors.  This was for a short period of time she went down and visited a few times.  When the neighbors passed away, she befriended their children and had them believing she had been Mother Teresa to their parents.  For many years to come, they would give my parents free access to their ocean home for a couple of weeks each year.  They did this as repaying my Mom's great service to their parents.  But in truth, she had only stopped by to visit a few times.

The day in, day out woman I have known for my entire life is a bitter woman.  She makes fun of her children for having any dreams or desires of their own.  She can occasionally say something sweet to one of us . . . but only as a way of manipulation.   I look at her and I see a woman who is very unhappy.  In fact, after thinking about this, I do not believe a true narcissist, such as my Mom, can ever be happy.

Our happiness comes from God . . . He is the giver of any and all peace we have in this life.  While we may have fleeting moments of happiness based on circumstances, true deep-seeded happiness . . . or joy . . . can only come from the Lord.

Currently, my life, from a human standpoint, does not make me very happy.  I have happy things in my life . . . a wonderful caring husband, a beautiful setting that I am privileged to live in everyday, three beautiful children and even pets and chickens that make me "happy".  But I also have a child in rebellion (perhaps I will share about that a bit more in the future), and another one who is kind of "sitting on the fence" . . . kind of playing out the Romans 7 dilemma . . . knowing what he needs to do, but doing the wrong thing instead.  On top of that, we are dealing with my Dad's dementia . . . it is in the later stages and he is requiring more and more care . . . which means my Mom is expecting more and more of me.  Melissa lives a couple of thousand miles away, my older brother lives across the state and my little brother, though he helps out a bit from time to time, has never really taken on the responsibility at the level I have.  I am not sure if it is because he is a boy or if it is because he has the "youngest child" mentality or maybe, he has just learned to set better boundaries.  But anyway, on a day-in-day-out basis, I am the child she depends on and expects from.  I have no problem taking them shopping, to Dr. visits, etc. every week.  When Dad had an aortic aneurysm three years ago, I was there every day for three weeks straight . . . trading off 12 hour shifts with my brother.  If there are true needs to be done around the house for her, my husband and I are there.  But her expectations go well beyond need and into want.  Sometimes frivolous or unnecessary wants.  Their home was brand new when they moved in six years ago, so it is by no means a fixer upper. Yet she tells me often how she "needs" me to paint an accent wall for her, how she needs yet another rose or tree planted, etc.  I really don't mind sometimes doing the extras if there is time, but I do hate when it is expected and not appreciated and when I am made to feel guilty for not making her home the priority over my own.  But, that is another post for another day . . . my point is, I feel pressure from Mom that makes a "happy life" challenging to say the least.  

My Dad has taken a definite turn for the worst in the last few weeks.  His brain seems to have difficulty telling him how to do the most basic of things . . . such as walking, going to the bathroom, etc.  I truly believe he is down to his last year, if not only months to live.  I want to be there for him and my Mom.  But it is so hard.  Mom has such unfair expectations and says such mean things.  I understand that she is going through a hard time right now, so while yes I can give her some grace because of it, her meanness and unfair expectations existed long before this trial.  

But what keeps me struggling to tread water . . . and to find peace and happiness . . . is my fears.  As Melissa just shared in her last post, we grew up with many fears . . . fears of never being good enough to please our mother . . . or others, as she made us feel so very inadequate.  With the days until crisis with my Dad, drawing nearer and nearer, I have lately been experiencing what I guess are panic attacks . . . my heart starts racing and I am overwhelmed with a feeling of dread.  It is not a dread of losing Dad, as terrible as that seems.  I think I have been grieving the loss of my Dad for several years now . . . the man remaining is just a shell of what he used to be . . . his mind ravaged by the terrible disease of dementia.  No, my panic comes from thinking of the days, months and years to come in dealing with my Mom.  I am 50, Mom is 73.  Realistically she will have a good ten years or more left here on earth.  Can I deal with her making my life hell for another 10 years?  Should I have to give up my "good years" for her?  Will she ever let me experience joy with my own family in the years to come . . . when we someday welcome daughter-in-laws and grand babies into the future, will she allow us to bask in the joy of that, or will she have to continually pull me down and make me feel guilty for choosing to be happy?

My panic is actually keeping me up at night now . . . in fact, I am typing this at 4:00 a.m because I am unable to sleep.  I want peace.  My only goal for 2014 is to live a life of peace and to eliminate as much stress as I can.  So far, at day 5, I am failing miserably.

So what is happiness?  It certainly isn't what my Mom seeks.  It has nothing to do with the things you have or even the things people do for you.   It isn't even about having the perfect life or perfect family.  One of the women I shared about in my other blog, was a sweet woman who lived a life that by most human accounts would be considered miserable.  She lost her husband while in her 40's to a genetic disease.  A few years later that same disease took her one and only son.  She lived in poverty in one of the worst neighborhoods in town.  She was riddled with arthritus that twisted her joints and bones and caused her extreme pain.  Yet there was a happiness . . . a deep joy . . . in that woman that went so deep . . . something I have rarely found here on earth.  Everytime I saw her, even in her last days while in a wheelchair and extreme pain, she would declare, "God is good!  I am so blessed!"  Because to her, being a child of God was enough.  Knowing God created and loved her gave her happiness.  Having been allowed to be the wife of her beloved husband and the Mama of her only child, she counted as a blessing.  She was thankful for the little she did have . . . thankful not to be hungry and to have a roof over her head.  And when it was time to go, she was happy to know it was all worth it.  She is in heaven now, reunited with her precious loved ones and I believe being rewarded for a life well lived.

So maybe I need to rethink my goal for 2014 . . . and for always.  Maybe it isn't so much about being stress free, as it is about finding true peace and happiness.  I know peace comes from the Lord.  I know only He can give me the true joy I desire.  I say I am his child.  I believe in Him . . . now I need to truly believe.  Believe that He loves me beyond measure.  Believe that he wants me to live in peace and that He will walk with me through my fears of the months and years to come.

So today I choose peace . . . I choose to believe.  I do not believe living a Christian life is simply a matter of going to the alter one day while the choir sings "Just as I am".  I believe it is a daily walk . . . a daily choosing to consecrate everything . . . give it all . . . to God each day.  So I give my fears to the Lord today, I give my guilt and my anxiety, my resentment and anger all to the Lord.  I can't control the future . . . in fact I can't even see the future.  But God knows all my hours and minutes.  So this fear . . . that has taken such a stronghold in my life and the life of my sister Melissa, is not only keeping us in a place of anxiety and unrest, it is also keeping us from truly being happy.  From truly finding joy.  As Melissa shared, fear is not of God (you will soon come to see she is the smart one who is able to share all the Bible verses relating to these subjects. . . . I just know they are there but have a hard time remembering the addresses as well).  So if we are truly focused on God . . . on letting Him be in control of our lives, fear can not rein.  And if fear is gone, what replaces it . . . peace . . . joy . . . happiness.

Go in the Lord . . . in peace, joy and happiness!

With love and blessings,

Aydan 

Fear Lies Widest Awake in the Darkness

Fear lives widest awake in the darkness. The howling wind that knocks a stray plastic flowerpot against the house or makes the welcome sign clatter against the siding turn into intruders with sinister intent. The single chirp of a smoke alarm with a weakening battery at 3:00 am becomes the alarm system going off as a window is being opened. My thudding heart pounds in my ears causing me to question every noise. This was me, the great Christian, while my husband was recently on yet another business trip. 

I am not sure when fear first tip-toed into my life, but can't remember a time when it wasn't at least lurking in the shadows. I can't remember when it first visited and set up residence inside my fragile heart. 

My earliest memories of fear were of not pleasing my narcissistic mother and incurring her rages and wrath. I as far back as my memories go, constantly walking on eggshells never knowing when “Mommy Dearest” would arrive. One incident that stands out clearly in my young mind was from the spring or early summer when I was three years old. I know by the weather and which house we were living in as we we moved out of it early in the fall before I turned four. I was playing on our swing set with a neighbor girl and for some reason we began giggling and singing, “Pee pee, poo poo. Pee pee, poo poo.” Next thing I know Mom was out like a flash, shrieking like a banshee and sent my friend home and dragged me into the house. I was yelled at, smacked and handled roughly for singing such terrible things. She then put some dish soap in a cup and gave it to me to wash our my mouth. I am crying and uncertain what to do but somehow manage to swallow enough of it while sitting where she had roughly sat me down between the back door and the basement steps. My stomach reacted violently to the soap and I threw up and it went all over the basement stairs. I was then in trouble for throwing up all over the steps which caused much more yelling and her dragging me to another room and after that moment I can’t remember more about that early memory.

Fears were manifest in many areas of my life. I was frequently jumping as far as I could to get in or out of bed for fear of the monsters that lived under my bed at night. Though the most frightening monster I ever encountered went by the name Mom. I developed fears of fires and lightning storms neither which were helped by a Dad who chased smoke until we could see the burning building or a third grade teacher who told horror story after horror story of people being struck by lightning. As I matured, my fears did too. Fear of not being accepted, fear of not getting good enough grades, fear of failure, fear of not ever being attractive enough to be loved, fear of being alone, fear of being in new social circles where I didn't know anyone...fear of, fear of, fear of!!! Of course my mother daily reminded me of how inadequate I was - how ugly, how naughty, how selfish and such a liar. 

At seventeen after a thwarted attack by a drunk man began a whole new set of fears. Thankfully a neighbor that lived on my three block walking route to work intervened. I knew I couldn't tell anybody for fear my parents would find out and then Mom would make me quit my job which would mean I would never afford college or a car and would never escape from home. Now fear of rape or other attacks plagued me. Now entered the long era of nights alone becoming a battlefield of terror and horrific "what ifs".

  “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7

God has been so faithful to help me face up to many of my fears, literally head on. He has bit by bit drawn me out of the shadows and into the light. He moved a girl terrified of mild spring thunderstorms to live for five years in Tornado Alley. He brought a loving, godly man into my life who after over 30 years of marriage still finds me beautiful in spite of the gravity pull of time. We once lived under evacuation notice for three weeks as forest fires raged nearby. The girl afraid of meeting new people, being accepted and new situations married a man who was raised in a loving family who frequently traveled all over the world, who was comfortable in all sorts of new situations and oblivious to any of the fears I had and assumed everybody was his friend. This same man joined the military weeks after we were married and we spent the next ten years moving all over. Our decade in the military was good for me as the distance from my narcissistic mother and new experiences helped to draw me out and to find out I was not quite as bad as I feared. Either that or I had been able to be “good enough” that my awful shameful self was not fully exposed to new friends I made. I grew in ability to enter new situations with less palpable fear and dread though I never was what one would think of as confidant. 

After our military years we returned to my hometown and lived within minutes of mom and Aydan. I quickly returned to old patterns of conforming to Mom out of fear of the consequences. The years of gas-lighting led me to believe I was truly as terrible of a child as she told me I had been. Then entered a long season of over fifteen years where I tried to be "good enough" to earn her approval and make amends. Fear of upsetting Mom or causing her wrath made me be easily played by Mom’s manipulation to the point her needs were put ahead of those of my husband or children. I tried to anticipate Mom’s every need and be there to help even before she asked. In the midst of this season I was still fighting my demons of fear that attacked me in night mares and while my husband had frequent travels in long tormented sleepless nights. Feelings of frustration of not being able to do as I wanted and at times feeling like I was "damned if I do and damned if I don’t" when it came to Mom were frequently present too. These feeling were usually accompanied with large doses of guilt as our relationship strains were really all my fault.

A few years ago God set the stage to enable me to realize my prison of fears and manipulation. We moved cross country with a job transfer with my husband’s company. This was not expected or wanted at the time but we had enough faith in God to pray to Him to direct our course by opening and closing doors. God slammed shut every door in our hometown and there were no decent paying jobs in his career field. Likewise He widely opened the doors for our move and all the details for the sale of our home, the move and the purchasing of another home in our new location fell beautifully into place. The greatest surprise was the bird out of its cage freedom feeling I experienced with this move. I suddenly saw the chains of manipulation and doubts my mom had wrapped around me and began to start thinking for myself and just being me! 

Shortly after moving, I attended a ladies Bible study where the focus was to believe based only on what the Word of God said not based on church traditions, what your Sunday school teacher taught or what your parents said. Rather fully believe in God and who He says He is and who He says I am. This was a big step in realizing the hold fear had on me. As I studied God’s Word and chose to believe Him, the more I recognized the false views of my mom, my false views about me and how much my fears were a lack of faith.

Since this move I have learned to come out of my shell and make friends and even enjoy some new social situations. All our moving and making friends in the military years means we have friends scattered all over the world which makes being able to catch up on Facebook a blessing. He has shown me that being real and vulnerable doesn't bring about more rejection as I feared, but tears down walls to build more relationships. Lately my loving Father has had me confront my fear of public speaking by having me share at women's events in our church. I must admit I was battling fear up until the moment I began to share, then God's peace washes over me as I began to speak and I actually enjoyed it!! Fearful Me!! 

One area that has been the most difficult to overcome is my fears of evil attackers while alone at night. My husband has traveled throughout our marriage both in the military and the years as a civilian. I have come a long ways and am SO much better than I was in the past. I know all the verses on safety, peace and sleep and can quote most of them by memory. For the most part, the last few years I have had many victorious times where I slept peacefully while he was gone. I realized last time as I relapsed and let fear once more rule, that I am still battling this and will only succeed when I keep my eyes on the Light of the World instead of looking into the darkness of what-ifs.

“In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.” Psalm 4:8

Over the last couple years, as I have recognized my mother has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, read up on it and going through counseling I am able to deal head on with many of my fears in ways I was incapable of before. I have actually had views that vary with my mom and expressed those to her. They are not met with approval and have caused her to hang up on me, give tongue lashings and bad mouth me to others. My husband and I have figured out what are the boundaries we are keeping to prevent her from manipulating me/us or inflicting verbal abuse. I still have the panicky racing heart and twisted guts when she calls and tries to manipulate or begins a rage on the phone. Going home to visit brings much apprehension and battles as she has not liked the fact we choose our own itinerary and stay with our married son rather than her. The weeks before and during our visit I am on Zantac to deal with stomach pains the emotions bring on me. I now deal with fear and dread as my father’s dementia advances at how ugly things may be in the very near future as she still refuses to talk or look at care options and continues to demand her children do all care she cannot do on her own. My siblings and I are unified in the fact when it is too much for her to do on her own she needs to get outside help. Then there is the dread of how to handle it all when Dad is gone… Can I hope to be disowned? How do we tell her when she can again travel she is not welcome in our home? Ugh that makes my stomach churn… 

I need to remember to not dwell on fears of the future, to not fall into the traps of the what-ifs but instead fill my mind with the "whatevers". 

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. - Philippians 4:8

Hoping each of you be able to face your difficult life circumstances with faith rather than fear.

Love and blessings,

Melissa

My Name is Melissa and I am a Scapegoat

My name is Melissa and I am a scapegoat!

As my sister Aydan shared yesterday, we were raised by a malignant narcissistic mother.  Our family was so dysfunctional and so off kilter from what God intended families to be. We existed in a prison where one walked on eggshells for fear of incurring the rage and wrath of Mom. We learned very young that our home revolved around Mom and it was wise to do whatever to avoid the verbal, emotional or physical abuse that just about anything would trigger. The four of us siblings all had well developed self-preservation instincts and would quickly throw the other under the bus to protect ourselves. 

Between the throwing under the bus and other self-preservation tactics and Mom’s constantly pitting us against each other Aydan and I were relatives that tried to be civil to each other at holiday or other family gatherings. As married adults we lived on the same street for over ten years and were not close other than proximity. Sadly until just the last year or so we both longed for close sisters yet were still falling prey to the pitting and manipulations of our Mom.  Mom does not like our reconciliation and has tried to tell us lies about each other, but with us communicating and having made a pact to not throw each other under the bus anymore she has been rendered ineffective in that area.

As the eldest child I always felt I was the one that was blamed for much of life’s problems and also felt my brother and sister who were 3 and 4 ½ years younger than me paired up to gang up on me. I felt like the third wheel.  Mom daily reminded me what a bad child I was, an independent brat, self-centered and a compulsive liar. She also consistently let me know how ugly and socially inept I was compared to her as a child and teen. I grew up feeling not included, bad, ugly, shameful and unacceptable.

The emotional and verbal abuses I have always been fairly aware of but fell into a trap in my thirties and forties of trying to be loved and approved by my mom. There were times if our family had plans to go do something and she wanted us to come over then we did. Shudder …I hate the times I let my kids down to appease her!  God intervened by moving me across country from my family in 2008. I was surprised by the bird out of the cage feeling that came. In many ways I was free in ways I had never been before. My memories of the physical abuse returned in June 2012 and began reading and realized Mom had NPD – I mean every symptom on the checklist! The realization of how dysfunctional my family was/is and how many lies I had been told really made me doubt many perceptions of life. I had beaten into me (literally) who I was by Mom so much I believed it. Thankfully with wise advice from my pastor I began studying out who I am in Christ…what the Bible says about me as His daughter! Realizing that I am chosen, holy and beloved –Colossians 3:12, blessed, chosen, adopted, redeemed, forgiven - Ephesians chapter 1.

Aydan and I have been reconciled for just over a year and how that happened is a story for another blog post. Since we have chosen to keep in contact with our Mom with some boundaries we keep in place, the verbal and emotional abuse and manipulation continues. It is such a blessing for us as sisters, to be there for each other to lovingly support, encourage and vent as needed.

May others who read this see hope…beauty for ashes that God can in the midst of the ugliness of life create beautiful things.

Blessings,

Melissa

The who, the what and the why . . .

Welcome to our first blog post!  My sister Melissa made the mistake of allowing me to set up the blog, which means I was the one who jumped the gun and posted first! So, since I am going first let me spill the dirt on my sister tell you a little about ourselves.  We are two sisters. living far apart from each other who only recently found reconciliation with one another.  We were raised in a very dysfunctional home by a mother who was and still is a total narcissist.  We are not talking just a little bit "self absorbed" but rather a true NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).  Our growing up years were very hard and we were basically raised to have all our focus be on our Mom.  Any personal dreams, desires or aspirations any of us children might have were viewed as selfish and stomped out immediately.  Since she wanted the focus to always be on her, she did not want us being close as siblings.  She would actually do things to pit us against each other. We have two brothers as well . . . perhaps she didn't view our relationships with them as threatening, as I didn't feel she undermined those relationships as much . . . though I know if we were closer now as adults, she would have an issue.

Over the last couple of years, Melissa and I have definitely seen God working in our lives.  Helping us to identify what is truth and what is a lie, what is conviction and what is misplaced guilt.  We have realized we were never allowed to be the sisters God created us to be and are now trying to make up for that . . . at ages 50 and 55. We realize now how much we have missed out on.  While we are still grieving that loss, we are excited for our future together and look forward to many years of bonding time together.  Our reconciliation has not been met with joy by our mother, but we know it is right and believe God is bringing us back together.

Because of our upbringing, we have had many difficulties in relationships . . . we were shown an unbalanced example of marriage, where the woman dominates and belittles and the husband cowers.  We were shown manipulation and dishonesty.  Because of this, our marriages have suffered, our children have suffered and we have had difficulties in friendships.  Our self esteems have been destroyed and loving ourselves has been difficult.  But we are not without hope.  In fact we are overflowing with hope . . . we are daughters of the King . . . princesses, really.  He loves us unconditionally.  He sees our hurts and wipes our tears.  He tells us we have worth and value.  We are still on this journey . . . still finding healing, seeking love and trying to find forgiveness.  We are unfinished.  We are raveled and frayed.  But we are excited to see what God has in store for us as He brings us through this journey of restoration.

Over the days, months and years to come, we will share stories of hurt, pain and anger.  We will also share how God is helping with that.  We will share about our families both growing up and now . . . our marriages, our children and all the aspects of our lives that have been affected by growing up as children of a narcissist. We won't pretend to have all the answers or to have it all figured out.  But we pray we will give you hope, give you a glimpse of the grace of God and let you see that, regardless of your situation, you are never truly alone.  Thank you for joining us . . . please stop in often . . . let's share our hearts, our tears, our hopes and our blessings together.

With love and blessings,

Aydan