Throughout
my childhood and most of my adult years, I have had three constant companions: fear, shame and guilt.
I described
in an earlier post in more detail how fear tiptoed into my life at a very early
age. It was well in place and an active presence in my earliest memories. I now
realize it was a fiery dart of the enemy of my soul most often shot from the
bow of my own mother. Instead of nurturing and comforting, she condemned and
abused. Instead of clear boundaries and expectations with consistency, there were ever changing expectations I could never meet; ones that would cause rages,
expletives and abuse, verbal and emotional, as well as physical. My life
became a constant state of fear, of always walking on eggshells, of never knowing when I would disturb the “beast”. Fear that I would once again cause the one who
was supposed to love and care for me, to rage and inflict pain.
Shame and
guilt were Siamese twins that entered my life shortly after fear. I truly
believed that if I wasn't such a naughty child, my mother wouldn't react like she
did. I was frequently reminded by her of what an awful a child I was and of how much
she had to endure because of me. If I had a dollar for every time I was called
“selfish” or “independent brat,” I would be quite wealthy! Every “sin” I
committed was told in exaggerated details to Dad and others. As the years went
by, the offenses grew with the passage of time or morphed into something very
different from reality.
Success in
any arena was unnoticed but anything she thought would reflect badly on her was
cause for a “shame-fest”. Criticism on how I acted, what I said, my physical
appearance, or my clumsiness only served to magnify my shame and feelings of
unworthiness. When a volcanic explosion of rage occurred (and occur they
did!!), I was told in words that would make a sailor blush how it was all my
fault. These rages were often
accompanied by slaps, shakings, clawing of my arms with her fingernails and using
whatever was nearby as a destructive weapon of her angry “discipline.” I was
the problem… and shame and guilt were the only companions that I deserved.
But God…
God and His
everlasting, enduring love and grace entered my life and I became His daughter, when I found His saving grace at the age of nine. Home was still hell and I
still had my three companions, but I had a refuge. One who would love me in
spite of anything I did. I still struggle with my three companions: fear, shame
and guilt. But now, I am quicker to run to the sheltering arms of refuge of my
Abba Father.
Psalm 27:10
“For my
father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me in.”
This verse has
been a lifeline I have clung to the last year and a half, since my returned
memories of past abuse and realization that my narcissist mom has never loved me and
is incapable of loving me. It reminds me of the One who will never reject me, who will always take me in, who will always love me.
Isaiah 49:15-16a
"Can a woman forget her nursing child,
And have no compassion on the son of her
womb?
Even these may forget, but I will not forget you.
Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;”
My God will never do the unthinkable and abandon
His daughter. He has my name engraved, tattooed on His nail scarred hand!!
While
looking on Pinterest this week, I came across a quote on shame. While
researching its source, I came across more of it. It is quoted from “Wanting To Be Her” by Michelle Graham.
"If shame
tells me that I'm defective, grace tells me that I'm valuable. Shame's
greatest weapon is the fear of judgment; grace's even greater weapon is the
relief of unconditional love. Shame says that because I am flawed I am
unacceptable; grace says that though I am flawed I am cherished. Shame
believes that the opinion of others is what matters; grace believes that the
opinion of God is what matters. Shame claims I must be perfect to earn
the approval of others, grace claims that I am accepted regardless of seeing
imperfections. Shame makes me hide, grace makes us frolic. Shame is
the language of the serpent; grace is the language of Jesus."
Reading this
shows me how much I really need to stop listening to the voice of shame and rather
hear the freeing truths of grace. I need to not hang onto guilt that isn’t mine
or true guilt that I have repented of and not listen to those lies. Instead I
need to accept all of the grace that God has extended to me and will continue
to extend to me. I want to be His cherished one who frolics through life rather
than hiding in the shadows of fear and shame!
O Lord God,
please help me to turn my back on these three dreary companions of fear, shame
and guilt, and instead remember your loving acceptance. Enable me to embrace
Your grace and ignore the lies… I can’t do this on my own, Lord. Give me grace;
Your Amazing Grace. Amen.
May you all
find grace in place of fear, shame and guilt.
Grace to you,
Melissa
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